Letters to Heaven

Last week Steve and I were at our Denominal Pastors Retreat.  Dan Webster of Authentic Leadership Inc was our speaker.  It was a phenominal couple of days.  We left encouraged and excited about ministry.  In one of the sessions Dan encouraged us to “practise presence”, meaning to be more aware of moments in our life that uplift us.  We had to think over the last 24 hours and find 10 moments where we felt uplifted. 

We then were encouraged to draft a letter, either to God or Grandchildren or whomever (Steve chose Emma), writing difficult things and then immediately following, were to add in our moments.  He got the idea from a book that he was reading, used to help artists break through creative block.  So in the book (which for the life of me, I cannot remember the author or name!  It’s been bothering me for days!!) the idea went something like this “Henry just gambled our house away, but the rose buds in the garden are starting to bloom”.  The author had found letters like this her grandmother had written.  It was dubbed “fun and floral” letters.

So here is my letter :

Dear God,

My life at times has seemed difficult and unjust, but this morning the coolness of the morning breeze reminded me that crispness brings refreshing to my life.  I have often felt alone but the smile of a friend gives encouragement that you have placed people in my life to share the load.  There are times that I have felt burdened by darkness but the warmth of the afternoon sun melts away the darkness. 

The sounds of your people singing your praises shatters through my times of indifference.  The prayers of friends reminds me of the need to remain in community and not to hide away.  The silence of reverence allowed me to realize the busyness of my life often gets in the way of my relationship with you.

Help me to take my moments of anger and frustration and remind me then of embraces on a deck and the feelings of connectedness both with you and others.  To take the time to enjoy breakfast in the sunlight instead of rushing through my day, forgetting all about you.  May I take the time to walk the garden path rather than bustling through every moment of everyday.

Thank you for these moments, and the ability to recognize your hand in my life.  I love you.

Soles4Souls

 

I heard about this project this morning from Anne Jackson.  Please take a few moments to donate.   Everyday we take our blessings for granted.  Let’s take a moment to remember those who truly need our help.    over 300 million people around the world don’t have shoes and are forced to walk around unsafe and in potentially life-threatening conditions. not only is it unsafe physically, but having to look down all the time causes these people to also live without dignity and confidence.

HOW DOES IT WORK?
go to 50000shoes.com. a $5 donation buys two pairs of shoes.

everyone has $5 (or more!). and everyone has 2 minutes. from start to finish, donating is literally three clicks. no fluff. no hassle. anyone can donate. it is so, so easy!

and it’s easy to spread the word. use the graphics on your blog. email everyone you know. join the facebook group and ask your friends to do the same!

Steve and I spend 7 bucks almost daily on our Chai Lattes from a local coffee shop, I’m sure there are things in your life that money goes needlessly to.  I am going to commit today to give up one trip a week, and use that money to donate to this cause.  Please consider doing the same.

Choirs from….not sure where

last week

this past week was a trying one for me.  steve went off to arrow leaving me behind with all 5 kids.  ok i’ll admit it now, i wasn’t really thrilled with the idea.  i knew however this was the best thing for steve, and besides, he takes so little time to himself, i know this was utterly important for his well-being.   so i sucked it up, and went ahead as planned.  it was the last time i’d have to do this, since i get to join him for his final week next march.

my mom came to stay with me for the weekend, and i really appreciated it.  the day steve left i came down with a nasty cold.  he had left at 6 in the morning, so i wasn’t really awake enough to know how sick i was really feeling.  by the time the kids were awake however, i knew.  by sunday it really started taking hold and was afraid it was developing into more.  i was so thankful my mom was here to help me out.  monday she left, deciding she would come back for tuesday night and into wednesday.  the adult interaction was so appreciated, and so was the fact that she kept my kitchen clean for me.

both my days and nights were filled with adventure.  faith and abby decided it would be great to be awake in the night.  i’m not a get up in the night kind of mom.  i have been very blessed because steve has always done this for me.  i am not at all in practise of getting up in the night, so i slept downstairs on the futon because i have been known to sleep pretty heavily.  every night but one, the girls were awake, tag teaming, one night it would be abby first, the next faith.  these midnight escapades were doing nothing for my cold, nor my ability to handle emotionally the demands of 5 kids.

thankfully steve and i had made the decision not to talk on the phone at all for the week.  we don’t do phone conversations well, never have and probably never will.  so steve was clueless about how bad i was feeling since we were communicating via e-mail and chat, there was no need for him to be worrying about us, because this week was for him.  I told him his last night there, because i knew he’d be home the next day and my voice probably wouldn’t be normal yet. 

i was so glad when friday came and i was able to see steve again.  i had missed him terribly.  the kids had asked every day for him.  my heart got all fluttery when he called on friday night to tell me his was back in ontario and just waiting for his luggage.  i knew then how much i had really missed him, not just for what he did around the house for me, but him.  his stupid corny jokes, which i found myself making periodically through the week.  his smile, his laugh.  everything.  i missed him.

God Moments

“A joyful heart is good medicine,
   but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
                    Proverbs 17:22

Yesterday Steve and I had what we refer to as a God moment. They are moments in our life, where something so unexpected happens, that it can only be described as a God moment.  It was so amazingly beautiful, a sense healing washed over us and we both knew it instantly.  For that specific moment, there was no tension, no animosity, nothing.   Just us, our back deck, and an apple core.  And a whole lot of laughter.  I will not give specifics, because frankly, we were laughing at something I did and I’m not sure the moment could be appreciated by anyone else.   But it was so natural, and in that moment instead of feeling hurt that I was being poked fun at, Steve and I embraced in laughter, with tears rolling down our cheeks.  Now, it could have happened, and may have happened without divine intervention.  But to be honest, everything about what transpired leads me to believe that God knew exactly what we needed and when.

We have had other moments like that in our life.  Cherished moments that we look back on and often and usually ends up with us laughing.  Yesterday another memory was added to the book.  I don’t want you to read my blog and think that Steve and I are giving up…it’s the exact opposite. I love him more today than yesterday, and will love him even more tomorrow.  But this marriage stuff is work, and I’m so thankful to have moments like this.  It may seem like foolishness to some people, but for us…it works and we believe it.

6 years ago….

Right about now, 6 years ago, Steve and I were in the car headed to Brantford.  I was going to be induced.  Our beautiful little baby was being stubborn about joining this world.  My labour with Logan started naturally, so needless to say, I was frustrated that I not only didn’t go into labour myself, but I was dreadfully OVERDUE.  After a very long summer of recovering from a car accident, and the exhausting heat, all I wanted was to hold her.  I was ready for her to join the world months before, so the fact that she was holding on didn’t impress me much.

It was a totally different experience for me.  They broke my water, and nothing happened.  I walked the halls, nothing.  So, on went the IV, and in came the pitocin.  I started getting a few contractions then but nothing really happened.  My favourite person was on the floor, the guy who gave the epidural.  And while I could’ve waited, when they asked me if I wanted to be next, I said yes.  I wasn’t too shy to admit the thought of going through childbirth epidural-less scared me.  So, at 11:45 AM I got the epidural.  Around 12:15, Steve went down for lunch.  The nurse had checked me, I hadn’t really dilated much, so off he went.  At 1 PM he came back to them wheeling me out of the room. 

He was so confused, the look on his face was priceless.  “where are you going?”, he asked. (timmy’s in hand!)

“Um…to have a baby” my curt reply.

“Right now?”

“yep“

“oh“

In the moments after he left, the labour started, and it came fast!  I felt my body get ready, and when the nurse came in around 12:45 or so, I told her I thought the time was coming, something felt different.  Well, boy, was it ever, I had gone from 3 cm to fully dilated in that half and hour.  By 1:10 PM, Abby was here.   There were a few scary moments, but Steve saw them more than I did.  Thankfully though, all was ok with Abby.

The one thing that I’ve learned, Abby has maintained her stubborn streak, it started in the womb, and will follow her all the days of her life.  She has always done things on her own timetable.  There was no setting HER routine, she has always set ours.  We love her to bits.  Sure, life hasn’t always been easy with her.  Every mother says all I want is a “healthy” baby, and I wished for that too.  And I got it.  Autism hasn’t made her unhealthy, nor has bi-polar.  She’s not needing to be fixed.  She’s my beautiful daughter. 

Happy Birthday Abby!  I love you.

We Build ~ Nichole Nordeman

There was a time, not that long ago (around 6 years) that Steve and I were in a bad spot.  A hard spot.  It was the time when we were in the process of seeking a diagnosis for Logan.  We’d lost our little boy to a regression, and had NO answers.  We were stretched so thin.  We learned much in those months.  We realized how much easier it would’ve been to just walk away.  You see, we already had emotionally.  We were raw, broken, hurting.  And the “D ” word entered our home.  It was something neither of us wanted, a divorce isn’t something you’re supposed to talk about after just 2.5 years of marriage, you were supposed to still be happy.  At the time, divorce seemed the easiest option.  But we made a choice, the hard one.  We made the choice to build.  We made the choice to move closer to one another, and closer to the vows we made that cold day in February just 2 years earlier.

Every marriage is in a constant state of building.  We’re in the middle of a major renovation, Steve and I.  It’s hard, and it’s taking it’s toll.  I’m very happy to say that we recognized the signs of disrepair sooner than we did 6 years ago.  We’re taking steps now, to uproot, and repair the neglected parts of our marriage.  I sure wish there was a manual right now!  I wish sometimes that it was easier.  But all the same, it’s my marriage, and I am not ever going to give up.

On the CD “Brave”  Nichole sings this song “we build”, and from the time I heard it…to this very time in my life…I’ve always thought of Steve and I.  She wrote this song for her husband, and I’m sure anyone who is married can identify with the words in this song.  I always get a bit teary eyed.  If I knew a way to post the actual song, I would, but for now, you’ll just have to read them aloud.

We Build

It’s bigger than we thought
It’s taller than it ought to be
This pile of rubble and ruins

The neighbors must talk
It’s the worst yard on the block
Just branches and boards where walls stood

Did it seem to you
Like the storm just knew
We weren’t quite finished with the roof
When it started?

So we build
We build
We clear away what was and make room for what will be
If you hold the nails, I’ll take the hammer
I’ll hold it still, if you’ll climb the ladder
If you will, then I will, build

On any given day
We could simply walk away
And let someone else hold the pieces

The lie that we tell
Says its better somewhere else
As if love flies south when it freezes

What I’m trying to say
In some clumsy way
Is that it’s you and only you for always

What I’m trying to say
In some clumsy way
Is that its you and only you, not just for now, not just today
But its you and only you for always

Back to Routine!

Well, this week has certainly been an interesting one for me.  The kids went back to school on Tuesday, and the transition has been AMAZING.  I have been so anxious about Abby’s transition to grade one.  But my fears were unfounded, she has done great!  I’m so proud of her.  Logan has done very well too.  Both have had some difficult moments, but it’s a hard transition to go from being home all summer back to the school routine.  But my kids are rockstars and handle it like pro’s! 

Justus also started preschool this week.  He had a ‘test run’ for a few weeks over the summer, but this was the start of the new school year.  However, there has been a slight hiccup in the plan, he has chicken pox!  Yikes.  So now we’re waiting for Emma and Faith to come down with them too.  He was excited to be there on Wednesday, so hopefully he’ll be back to his routine too!   I can’t get over how much he talks and interacts.  It is such a different experience for us, than with Logan and Abby.  We never really knew what we were missing.  I’m sure preschool will change him too.

Emma and Faith are having a grand time being home with mommy.  Faith just started on cereal this week, and she’s mastering it quickly!  She loves it.  Emma is so cute, and has really been coming into her own this week.  She’s such a drama queen, but then she learns so well from Justus, so it’s really not surprising!  I think she likes all the attention on her, and that I have more time to devote to her now that everyone is in school.

Confession Time….

I have some confessions to make.  I’ve never outgrown “teenager room”.   The furniture may be more elegant, but the “stuff” never finds it’s proper home at the end of the day.  I can keep it clean for a day or maybe two and then something happens.  The dressers empty themselves out.  Every piece of mail;flyers, bills or newspapers, finds its way to my room and about 100 of the kids toys get thrown in because someone is using it as a weapon, or a climbing apparatus or it gets dropped on the way to the bathroom.  Laptops and all the components finds their way as well.  And suddenly, my very large master suite turns into a teenagers room filled with junk.

So today, I decided to clean my room again.  This time however, a rule was put in place.  You see, Steve lives by “rules”.  He likes clear boundaries, so today we set up a boundary one we are both required to follow.  There will be no bedtime for mom and dad while the room is not picked up and clear of debris.  It has been driving me crazy!  There is nothing worse than feeling chaotic in a room that is supposed to be your “sanctuary”.  Let me tell you, with 5 kids, we NEED a sanctuary.  

My second confession:

I am really looking forward to Tuesday and the start of school.  I really wish I could be one of those moms who just LOVES having her kids around and is saddened when school starts…but truth be told I really need the mental break that school provides.  I do love having my kids around, but everyone has such demanding needs that by the end of the day I am totally spent.   Between autism, terrible twos, curious ones and demanding infants…whew.  We have definitely had great moments this summer, but for anyone who has a child with special needs, you know that breaks in routine aren’t always what is best for them.

July’s moments

So I am beginning to think that July will be the oddest, most stressful month of our year.  Some of you who read Steve’s blog may just need to skip this post.  You read earlier this month about our “vacation”, that one really couldn’t call vacation…it was more stressful than an average week of work!

On Wednesday July 16, at 11 AM, our dog Milo went back to the organization we received him from and was then adopted by the family who raised him as a puppy.  Unfortunately Milo was having some difficulty in our home, and due to the high standards service dogs are held to, they decided to release him from the program.  This doesn’t happen often, but unfortunately it does happen.  We all miss him like crazy and it was so hard to let him go.  Behaviours and all, he was part of our family.  When he left, it wasn’t guaranteed that we’d be receiving another dog so it added greatly to the sense of loss.  (we did get the approval this past week that we would in fact be receiving another dog).  That same evening we got a call around 8:45 PM from Children’s Aid Society.  Faith would be arriving in our home sometime before the end of the month as the foster mom was going on vacation.  Now this phone call in and of itself is quite difficult.  Because on one hand, we are both TOTALLY excited about having Faith here with her siblings.  On the other hand, it meant bad things had happened with my brother and his girlfriend.  Adding to this phone call, all the emotions of having Milo leave earlier in the day…it was HARD, emotional, long day!  I was utterly spent.

The next day we got a call saying that Faith would be arriving the following Monday.  WOW!  We went into turbo mode of organizing, cleaning, switching rooms, setting up cribs and wardrobes, doing the laundry etc…it was a bit hectic.  Thank goodness for mom’s on vacation!  I couldn’t have got nearly as much done as I did without my mom.

It’s now been about a week since Faith’s arrival, and we are adjusting well to 5 kids.  The first night all 3 girls were awake at 2:30…NOT good.  But things seem to have found their groove now.  Never in a million years had I dreamt that I would be mom of 5.  It’s really quite incredible.  I find myself sitting back every once in awhile and realize just how truly outnumbered I am now!  I find the odd number of kids the most difficult…I found 1 harder than 2, 3 harder than 4 and now 5 the most difficult of all.  We went for a walk as a family the other night, and all I could liken us to was a convoy, with our strollers and kids.  I’m sure it was quite a sight (difficult though too because it was the first time I’d been out for a walk without Milo, I definitely felt like I as missing something!)

Adding to my stress, because I never seem to do things in normal sequential order, we decided to tackle potty-training with Justus.  I must admit though, it’s been fairly easy (mind you it is only the 2nd day!)  But he is doing amazing, only a couple of accidents.   Logan was the same phenomenon.  They were both just ready.  They like being OUT of diapers.  It’s pretty awesome.   I didn’t tell Steve I was starting (I didn’t know until that morning when Justus was fighting me to put his diaper on).  I had sent Steve to Walmart that morning for diapers and he bought two packs of diapers thinking Justus was NOWHERE near ready, to arrive home to “guess who’s not in diapers! and had NO accidents”  It was a pretty classic moment.  Something I do to him rather often.

I really hope this month is the most stressful of this year because if there is another month full of MORE stress than this, I’m going to go insane!  There’s been good mixed in with the difficult, so that makes it easier, but it’s still hard.  I’m really looking forward to watching everyone grow up.  There are already such special bonds between the kids….it’s awesome to see Justus and how much he loves on Baby “bafe” as he calls her.  Emma is struggling the most with the transition but even she is warming up to her sister.  Logan and Abby in their own way are accepting Faith as well.  It warms my heart to have a house full of kids, knowing fully that this is how it was intended to be.  I’m thankful that we can offer a safe home to Justus, Emma and Faith.  I do wish my brother would’ve been able to do it himself, as I’m sure that we would have adopted a sib group irregardless, but knowing that my nieces and nephew are available to nana and papa…it’s really priceless.