A year ago I read a book by Sue Monk Kidd entitled “Dance of the Dissident Daughter”.  I read it at a time in life that I really needed to.  My life and belief system were at a crossroads, and I knew I needed to figure out my path.  My life has continued to shift and morph since then and  into something that I can stand firm behind because what I had then was something that I wasn’t entirely comfortable with. 

As I relfect on where I am now, I realize I’m not where I was a year ago when i read “the book”.  The book introduced me to the idea of the sacred feminine.  For all my life I was taught that God was male: father, son, spirit.  All male.  That never sat right with me, and it still doesn’t today.  The book opened my eyes to a new way of thinking, a new way of looking at my faith and a new way of looking at God.

Steve and I were having a conversation and I said that i was a feminist.  He actually argued with me, and said that I wasn’t because I wasn’t angry.  Somehow in our society, feminists are seen as these flaming fanatics who scream and yell.  But what about the people, both men and women, who fight for the equality of women.  Here’s the definition of feminism: the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.  I am and always will be a feminist.

So what does this have to do with God?  I desire to empower other women to see that God, the God who transcends gender and embodies both the masucline and feminine forms, the God of the bible, is someone who is attainable, and one whom we’re made in the image of.  Not just the masculine, but the feminine as well.  That we have a place in creation and that it isn’t underneath a male.  It’s along side.  I don’t believe we are inferior to men, but I don’t believe we’re superior to men either. 

My mother raised me in a way that I will always appreciate her for, that there was no reason for me to feel inferior to men.  That my voice had meaning, quality, and a place in the world.   That as a woman, I was powerful.  That knowledge made who I am today, and I will always love her for it. 

My hope is to inspire other women, old and young alike that they are powerful.  God’s creation to stand along side other people, male and female, and work together for the equality of all.  I know that it won’t be an easy task, but it’s one that I believe is worth the effort!

I’m assuming most people who read my blog have the updates on my life.  But thought I would put out the general request for prayers.  Our family has had a difficult six months, and continue to struggle along a path that Steve and I are completely unprepared for.  it’s new territory.  It’s one we hope to settle into very soon, at which point we will talk a bit more openly about it.  Right now it’s too fresh, too up in the air.

So be prepared for a new blog and a new direction.

My Fundraising Page

Here is my first blog entry:

For those of you who have known me for awhile, you’re likely not surprised at my involvement in this event. For those of you who are just getting to know me, likely think I’m crazy! You’re all right, it’s no surprise I’m involved, and I am crazy!

I’m involved because of a little boy named Carter Cummings. Carter has battled cancer since June of 2008. His parents are a young couple who’s 4 year old son is in his final days after doing all they could for their precious son. They have fought cancer for the past 2 years, it was 2 years too long!

My hair will grow back, and I’m sure I’ll miss it! But compared to the loss that these kids and their families go through, my hair is nothing. These kids miss the opportunities to be a kid: run, play, ride a bike, swim. They are robbed of the innocence of childhood. Suddenly they are poked, prodded and put through countless procedures from chemo to radiation and beyond.

Shaving my head means raising awareness, shaving my head means crucial funds are made available for research. Shaving my head means that a child may not have to suffer the same fate that Carter is right now.

Please consider donating, and please be generous. These kids and their families need our help. Together we can make a difference!

• 2000 Steve and I were married.  We felt the loss of our first child through miscarriage, a heartbreaking moment that surprisingly brought us closer together.  I believe it was in that event that we were strengthened for what our life together would bring, and subsequently what this last decade looked like. 
• 2001, Logan was born, a beautiful little baby with blonde hair and blue eyes.  We moved to a new church, in Hamilton.  Steve finished off another degree. 
• 2002, there was my car accident that I never should have survived, while 7 months pregnant.  The scary moments of hearing that Abby had cysts on her brain, and feeling the relief of hearing that they were resolving on their own.  September we saw our beautiful daughter brown eyed girl enter the world.
• 2003 brought the reality of autism into our life. with Logan’s diagnosis.  We moved to another church again, this time in Meaford.  It also brought questions about Abby’s development.
• 2004 autism was again brought into our life, this time in our daughter.  Just a few months later we lost Steve’s father.  A difficult season if our lives to say the least.  We questioned many things, but saw God’s hand on our lives so rested in that knowledge, sometimes clinging to it with all our might.
• 2005, we celebrated our fifth anniversary by moving into our first home.  Steve was again in school.
• 2006 we welcomed Justus into our home…filled with mixed feelings.  We started off as foster parents, but quickly saw that he needed a more permanent home.  So we were named his legal guardians.  Steve had his first book published.
• 2007 An awesome honeymoon on a cruise through the Mediterranean.  It brought another degree for Steve, graduating the same day we agreed to take Emma into our home.  We also welcomed our first service dog Milo into our lives.
• 2008  another child, only this time much more complicated than the others, but in July we got the call that we would be legal guardians of Faith and she would be arriving that next week.  We also saw Milo leave our home, he just wasn’t suitable as a service dog.  Great as a pet, but not to the standards of a service dog. 
• 2009 I wrote my GED, passing in the top 10%.  In April we lost Steve’s mom to cancer.  I was accepted into university and began my studies in July.  Steve was accepted into a doctoral program.  Halo arrived in our home, an answer to prayer and the best thing that ever happened to Logan.  Abby went into short term residential treatment. 

So much to go through in just 10 short years and yet here we are, stronger than ever.  A home full of love, a church family who are welcoming of our crazy antics, and 10 years full of God’s blessings and provision.  I pray that the next 10 years will be a little calmer in our life, but it seems that craziness follows us around, so I pray that God would bestow on us all that we need in order to navigate the roads of our lives.

I pray that God would bless you all in 2010.  Here’s to the start of  another decade.

Autism Night Before Christmas
by Cindy Waeltermann

Twas the Night Before Christmas
And all through the house
The creatures were stirring
Yes, even the mouse

We tried melatonin
And gave a hot bath
But the holiday jitters
They always distract

The children were finally
All nestled in bed
When nightmares of terror
Ran through my OWN head

Did I get the right gift
The right color
And style
Would there be a tantrum
Or even, maybe, a smile?

Our relatives come
But they don’t understand
The pleasure he gets
Just from flapping his hands.

“He needs discipline,” they say
“Just a well-needed smack,
You must learn to parent…”
And on goes the attack

We smile and nod
Because we know deep inside
The argument is moot
Let them all take a side

We know what it’s like
To live with the spectrum
The struggles and triumphs
Achievements, regressions…

But what they don’t know
And what they don’t see
Is the joy that we feel
Over simplicity

He said “hello”
He ate something green!
He told his first lie!
He did not cause a scene!

He peed on the potty
Who cares if he’s ten,
He stopped saying the same thing
Again and again!

Others don’t realize
Just how we can cope
How we bravely hang on
At the end of our rope

But what they don’t see
Is the joy we can’t hide
When our children with autism
Make the tiniest stride

We may look at others
Without the problems we face
With jealousy, hatred
Or even distaste,

But what they don’t know
Nor sometimes do we
Is that children with autism
Bring simplicity.

We don’t get excited
Over expensive things
We jump for joy
With the progress work brings

Children with autism
Try hard every day
That they make us proud
More than words can say.

They work even harder
Than you or I
To achieve something small
To reach a star in the sky

So to those who don’t get it
Or can’t get a clue
Take a walk in my shoes
And I’ll assure you

That even 10 minutes
Into the walk
You’ll look at me
With respect, even shock.

You will realize
What it is I go through
And the next time you judge
I can assure you

That you won’t say a thing
You’ll be quiet and learn,
Like the years that I did
When the tables were turned…….

I pray that you have a wonderfully blessed Christmas with your families.  Our hope is to bring Abby home for Christmas and Boxing Day, so please pray her good mood continues and that the weather would hold out for us yet again for travelling!

Fast forward to the end of November, we got THE call.  I wasn’t prepared, is a mother ever prepared?  The woman on the other end of the phone started telling me the normal protocol for this situation: she normally comes out to the house, meets Abby and asks us a bunch of questions.  Questions we’ve been asked so many times I can answer them in my sleep.  Months later Abby meets with the psychiatrist and we answer those  same questions yet again.  And another month after that, Abby goes into treatment.  That is what normally happens, not this time though.  She proceeds to tell me that our appointment with the doctor is the following week and her admission date is December the 8th.  HUH???  My brain stopped for a few moments….I absently jotted down the information about the time of our appointment with the doctor, then hung up the phone, I’m not even sure I said goodbye. 

Our appointment with the psychiatrist went great.  Abby was in a fairly good mood and at ease with the doctor. We were in a board room, and the swivel chairs kept her occupied for a good portion of the appointment.  They giggled when Abby did, genuinely giggled not the polite kind of giggle when someone who doesn’t get disabilities nervously laughs at something your child did.  The doctor seemed knowledgeable, was frank with us (something that we have come to appreciate) and we shook hands and walked out, having agreed to send our daughter, our beautiful 7 year old daughter for residential treatment for 6-12 weeks with a good possibility of it being longer even than that.

Since that appointment, my head is reeling.  I knew it would, how else can one respond?  I tell you all this mostly to ask for prayer.  For Abby especially, that she will be safe, settle quickly, feel loved.  My heart aches for her, how she will feel her first night away from home in 3 years, without the comfort of her parents nearby.  Pray that she will tolerate long hours in the car driving back and forth on weekends to come home (it is a 3.5 hour drive one way, in good weather).

I’m also going to be selfish and ask for prayers for Steve and I, especially on December 8 but also for these next few months.  Pray for the other kids, as they try to understand why Abby isn’t home, and for wisdom for us as we try to explain to them why she isn’t here.  I would ask for understanding and grace because I may not seem friendly at times, please realize this is trying, both for my emotional and my spiritual state.  I’m not ok, I know this is what Abby needs, so I’m doing it for her.  I’m thankful for Steve that he’s by my side, and I know that we will get through this time together and as a family.   

This was the easiest way for me to let you all know why I’ve seemed a little melancholy and absent lately.  I hope you will be patient with us as we go through a very difficult time in our life.

depression is real, and it’s a struggle i face from day to day.  there have been seasons in my life that it rears it’s ugly head more and other less but for the last year or so, it’s had a real stronghold on my life.  i have been cycling through taking meds, thinking i’m fine and going off them, only to get more messed up in the end.  it is a vicious cycle.

i’m going to give a huge shout out to steve, he has more patience than i think he realizes.  i appreciate having a person like him by my side to ask me the tough questions, and to be honest with me when i ask the tough questions.  we have journeyed through this together, and i am thankful for that because I realize what a sacrifice that can be for a caregiver of someone who suffers from depression.  it would be much easier to just give up, but he perserveres to find me.

my doctor is convinced that my depression is bio-chemically induced.  my life could be easy, with no stress and i’d still have these issues and i agree with her.  i will likely have to be on meds the rest of my life, but for now, i need to make sure to continue to take my meds for the next 12 months.  she thinks it could cure me, but it’s not guaranteed. 

there is so much stigma surrounding depression and christianity.  somehow i’m less of a christian because it’s something i struggle with, that i’m not trusting god enough.  but where do you draw the line, would you refuse insulin if you were diabetic?  or if your foot was broken, would you fore-go a cast?  no.  but for some reason depression is different.

well, i am a depressed christian, who will be relying on science and the medical professionals to help me.  but i’m also a depressed christian who will be relying on god for strength, mercy and grace to get me through my days.  I intend to bring my faith in god and doctor together, trusting that the three of us together will get this worked out.

for those of you who suffer with depression, you’re not alone and there is no reason to be ashamed.  for those of you who stand along side of someone who suffers, thank you.

My last post still rings in my mind…I’m totally changing.  There is an inner turmoil that comes with change though.  I’m reflective, contemplative, maybe even a little melancholy.  Yet I feel like I’m on the brink of something exciting, something worth working for.   I know it’s worth the feelings I have right now, but there are moments where I wish I could go back, stop this metamorphosis.  It would be so much more comfortable to go with the status quo.  But I totally believe that God’s not finished with me yet.

Spring for us always brings to life changes.  Four of our five children celebrate their birthday’s.  Which has been an incredible honor to watch them all grow.  Logan turned 8, Justus 3, Faith 1 and Emma celebrates her second birthday next week.  I feel God’s richest blessings through all our children.  I’m amazed at the complexity of their being, amazed at the differences and similarities. 

This spring also brought us heartache.  Early in April, Steve’s mom found out she had cancer and just three short weeks later she passed away.  It has been difficult, letting go.  Although I know she is in a better place where she’s no longer in pain and discomfort, she is able to dance and eat.  She is free from all the things that bound her here on earth.  My difficulty is selfish.  I never got to tell her one last time how much I loved her, how special she was, how thankful I am that she accepted me into her family.  I will miss her, her sarcasm, her laugh and even her stubbornness!

We also added to our family this Spring.  No, there are no more children under the Bedard roof, but there is another child in the fold.  We have talked a lot about sponsoring a child for a long time, and I went ahead and added an addition, in honor of Steve’s mom.  Flora from Tanzania is now loved and prayed for by each member of the Bedard family.  We’re really looking forward to getting to know her better, and writing to her…I hope each day that our package from Compassion will arrive so we can begin our relationship with her.  That she’ll know that a big family from Canada loves her and prays for her, that we will do all we can to see her thrive and overcome.

A few weeks ago I read a book that I believe will change the course of my beliefs.  No, I’m not giving up on Christianity, far from it.  What it has done though, is caused me to investigate and look deeper into the theology of God and the trinity.  To search in new ways, with new eyes. and grow deeper in my faith.  You see, this is a path I’ve been travelling for some time now, and this book gave words to the stirrings in my heart.  It is called “The dance of the dissident daughter” by Sue Monk Kidd.  I encourage you to read this book, realizing it may ruffle feathers, and it may be something you quickly dismiss.  But as I embark on my theology degree next fall, it is something that I will seek to find.

There are many things happening in our life as well.  Steve was to Vancouver for a week to graduate from the Arrow Leadership program.  This was a bittersweet time for me.  I was supposed to be there with him and instead I was home with the kids.  It seemed life forces were telling me my place was here, which I reluctantly followed.  Thankfully since that week Faith spiked a fever, the kids bus broke down and my kitchen sink backed up.  I would’ve never had the peace to enjoy myself while in Vancouver.

This week is March break for the kids.  I’m not sure March Break was created for families with special needs kids who crave routine!  However, so far today has been good, so I won’t complain.  The weekend, specifically Saturday, was a whole ‘nother story!   Logan decided that he was going to go for a little run, and of course chose to do that when I was home by myself.  So  when I realized he was gone, I called Steve to come home, ran to the neighbours to ask them to come over and then off I went down the road…I was petrified and embarrassed.   Thankfully a very kind man found him and held onto him.  Steve noticed them on the side of the road on his way home, and scooped Logan up into the car and came flying down the road and picked me up.  I fell apart at that point.  But we all made it through.  Our house is locked up, alarms armed and all eyes and ears perked and ready to go.  A very scary moment indeed!

In a couple of weeks I myself will be flying to Calgary and then onto Vancouver.  I’m looking forward to getting away, spending time with family and friends but also getting an afternoon of pampering.  I think this is just what the doctor ordered!  Oh and did I mention shopping?  Nothing like a little retail therapy to lift the soul   I’ll be looking forward to heading to church (the first time in many weeks if not months).  Overall I’m looking forward to my trip.  It will be difficult to leave the family behind but I know I will be a better mother having looked after myself.  It’s the best thing I can do for my family, for sure.