A friend of mine posted this to her facebook page and I thought it was worth sharing.  For all of you who have autism in your life, you’ll likely get a chuckle…for those of you who don’t…we’ll here’s a peek into our life!

Autism Night Before Christmas
by Cindy Waeltermann

Twas the Night Before Christmas
And all through the house
The creatures were stirring
Yes, even the mouse

We tried melatonin
And gave a hot bath
But the holiday jitters
They always distract

The children were finally
All nestled in bed
When nightmares of terror
Ran through my OWN head

Did I get the right gift
The right color
And style
Would there be a tantrum
Or even, maybe, a smile?

Our relatives come
But they don’t understand
The pleasure he gets
Just from flapping his hands.

“He needs discipline,” they say
“Just a well-needed smack,
You must learn to parent…”
And on goes the attack

We smile and nod
Because we know deep inside
The argument is moot
Let them all take a side

We know what it’s like
To live with the spectrum
The struggles and triumphs
Achievements, regressions…

But what they don’t know
And what they don’t see
Is the joy that we feel
Over simplicity

He said “hello”
He ate something green!
He told his first lie!
He did not cause a scene!

He peed on the potty
Who cares if he’s ten,
He stopped saying the same thing
Again and again!

Others don’t realize
Just how we can cope
How we bravely hang on
At the end of our rope

But what they don’t see
Is the joy we can’t hide
When our children with autism
Make the tiniest stride

We may look at others
Without the problems we face
With jealousy, hatred
Or even distaste,

But what they don’t know
Nor sometimes do we
Is that children with autism
Bring simplicity.

We don’t get excited
Over expensive things
We jump for joy
With the progress work brings

Children with autism
Try hard every day
That they make us proud
More than words can say.

They work even harder
Than you or I
To achieve something small
To reach a star in the sky

So to those who don’t get it
Or can’t get a clue
Take a walk in my shoes
And I’ll assure you

That even 10 minutes
Into the walk
You’ll look at me
With respect, even shock.

You will realize
What it is I go through
And the next time you judge
I can assure you

That you won’t say a thing
You’ll be quiet and learn,
Like the years that I did
When the tables were turned…….

Just a quick update to let you know that Abby is doing well.  It’s been a difficult week for our family, with lots of questions from our three year old Justus.  It’s difficult to find the words to explain to him that Abby is “at the doctors” and that she doesn’t have an “ouchie”, because logically you go to the doctor when you have an “ouchie”.  We sure backed ourselves into a corner with that explanation.  Logan is struggling a bit as well, it’s more challenging to really know how much he misses Abby because he can’t ask for her.  He certainly demonstrates that he is missing her, playing with the toys she normally does and in the spots that she’d play with them.  Emma keeps asking to talk to Abby on the phone.  Needless to say, there’s a spot in our family home that is very obviously empty.  We’re looking forward to the weekend because we’re traveling down to London to visit her, so please pray that the snow stays away and we’d be safe as we travel the 3.5 hours to get there.

I pray that you have a wonderfully blessed Christmas with your families.  Our hope is to bring Abby home for Christmas and Boxing Day, so please pray her good mood continues and that the weather would hold out for us yet again for travelling!

Back in August we took Abby to see a specialist, we waited years (literally) for this appointment.  It went alright, however Steve and I were offered some choices for Abby that we weren’t necessarily ready for.  Their recommendation was that Abby go into residential treatment for a medication review and a behavioural assessment.  While it was difficult, we knew as soon as it was offered this was the best thing for Abby.  Her medication is pretty strong with some dangerous long term side effects.  It wouldn’t be safe for her or the others in our home to take her off the medication here, seeing as the meds are used to control aggression.  We agreed for her to go thinking it would be far off in the future seeing as it took us years to get this appointment. 

Fast forward to the end of November, we got THE call.  I wasn’t prepared, is a mother ever prepared?  The woman on the other end of the phone started telling me the normal protocol for this situation: she normally comes out to the house, meets Abby and asks us a bunch of questions.  Questions we’ve been asked so many times I can answer them in my sleep.  Months later Abby meets with the psychiatrist and we answer those  same questions yet again.  And another month after that, Abby goes into treatment.  That is what normally happens, not this time though.  She proceeds to tell me that our appointment with the doctor is the following week and her admission date is December the 8th.  HUH???  My brain stopped for a few moments….I absently jotted down the information about the time of our appointment with the doctor, then hung up the phone, I’m not even sure I said goodbye. 

Our appointment with the psychiatrist went great.  Abby was in a fairly good mood and at ease with the doctor. We were in a board room, and the swivel chairs kept her occupied for a good portion of the appointment.  They giggled when Abby did, genuinely giggled not the polite kind of giggle when someone who doesn’t get disabilities nervously laughs at something your child did.  The doctor seemed knowledgeable, was frank with us (something that we have come to appreciate) and we shook hands and walked out, having agreed to send our daughter, our beautiful 7 year old daughter for residential treatment for 6-12 weeks with a good possibility of it being longer even than that.

Since that appointment, my head is reeling.  I knew it would, how else can one respond?  I tell you all this mostly to ask for prayer.  For Abby especially, that she will be safe, settle quickly, feel loved.  My heart aches for her, how she will feel her first night away from home in 3 years, without the comfort of her parents nearby.  Pray that she will tolerate long hours in the car driving back and forth on weekends to come home (it is a 3.5 hour drive one way, in good weather).

I’m also going to be selfish and ask for prayers for Steve and I, especially on December 8 but also for these next few months.  Pray for the other kids, as they try to understand why Abby isn’t home, and for wisdom for us as we try to explain to them why she isn’t here.  I would ask for understanding and grace because I may not seem friendly at times, please realize this is trying, both for my emotional and my spiritual state.  I’m not ok, I know this is what Abby needs, so I’m doing it for her.  I’m thankful for Steve that he’s by my side, and I know that we will get through this time together and as a family.   

This was the easiest way for me to let you all know why I’ve seemed a little melancholy and absent lately.  I hope you will be patient with us as we go through a very difficult time in our life.

 hi, i’m amanda and i’m depressed.

depression is real, and it’s a struggle i face from day to day.  there have been seasons in my life that it rears it’s ugly head more and other less but for the last year or so, it’s had a real stronghold on my life.  i have been cycling through taking meds, thinking i’m fine and going off them, only to get more messed up in the end.  it is a vicious cycle.

i’m going to give a huge shout out to steve, he has more patience than i think he realizes.  i appreciate having a person like him by my side to ask me the tough questions, and to be honest with me when i ask the tough questions.  we have journeyed through this together, and i am thankful for that because I realize what a sacrifice that can be for a caregiver of someone who suffers from depression.  it would be much easier to just give up, but he perserveres to find me.

my doctor is convinced that my depression is bio-chemically induced.  my life could be easy, with no stress and i’d still have these issues and i agree with her.  i will likely have to be on meds the rest of my life, but for now, i need to make sure to continue to take my meds for the next 12 months.  she thinks it could cure me, but it’s not guaranteed. 

there is so much stigma surrounding depression and christianity.  somehow i’m less of a christian because it’s something i struggle with, that i’m not trusting god enough.  but where do you draw the line, would you refuse insulin if you were diabetic?  or if your foot was broken, would you fore-go a cast?  no.  but for some reason depression is different.

well, i am a depressed christian, who will be relying on science and the medical professionals to help me.  but i’m also a depressed christian who will be relying on god for strength, mercy and grace to get me through my days.  I intend to bring my faith in god and doctor together, trusting that the three of us together will get this worked out.

for those of you who suffer with depression, you’re not alone and there is no reason to be ashamed.  for those of you who stand along side of someone who suffers, thank you.

Life in 2009 has been different.  Really different.  Different good, and different bad.  

My last post still rings in my mind…I’m totally changing.  There is an inner turmoil that comes with change though.  I’m reflective, contemplative, maybe even a little melancholy.  Yet I feel like I’m on the brink of something exciting, something worth working for.   I know it’s worth the feelings I have right now, but there are moments where I wish I could go back, stop this metamorphosis.  It would be so much more comfortable to go with the status quo.  But I totally believe that God’s not finished with me yet.

Spring for us always brings to life changes.  Four of our five children celebrate their birthday’s.  Which has been an incredible honor to watch them all grow.  Logan turned 8, Justus 3, Faith 1 and Emma celebrates her second birthday next week.  I feel God’s richest blessings through all our children.  I’m amazed at the complexity of their being, amazed at the differences and similarities. 

This spring also brought us heartache.  Early in April, Steve’s mom found out she had cancer and just three short weeks later she passed away.  It has been difficult, letting go.  Although I know she is in a better place where she’s no longer in pain and discomfort, she is able to dance and eat.  She is free from all the things that bound her here on earth.  My difficulty is selfish.  I never got to tell her one last time how much I loved her, how special she was, how thankful I am that she accepted me into her family.  I will miss her, her sarcasm, her laugh and even her stubbornness!

We also added to our family this Spring.  No, there are no more children under the Bedard roof, but there is another child in the fold.  We have talked a lot about sponsoring a child for a long time, and I went ahead and added an addition, in honor of Steve’s mom.  Flora from Tanzania is now loved and prayed for by each member of the Bedard family.  We’re really looking forward to getting to know her better, and writing to her…I hope each day that our package from Compassion will arrive so we can begin our relationship with her.  That she’ll know that a big family from Canada loves her and prays for her, that we will do all we can to see her thrive and overcome.

I seem to be having a quiet year of blogging so far.  It’s not because I don’t have a lot to write about.  It’s actually the contrary, I have so much to write about.  I feel the need though, to protect myself and where I’m at…to shield my thoughts and hide away in my heart and figure out what exactly is happening to me.

A few weeks ago I read a book that I believe will change the course of my beliefs.  No, I’m not giving up on Christianity, far from it.  What it has done though, is caused me to investigate and look deeper into the theology of God and the trinity.  To search in new ways, with new eyes. and grow deeper in my faith.  You see, this is a path I’ve been travelling for some time now, and this book gave words to the stirrings in my heart.  It is called “The dance of the dissident daughter” by Sue Monk Kidd.  I encourage you to read this book, realizing it may ruffle feathers, and it may be something you quickly dismiss.  But as I embark on my theology degree next fall, it is something that I will seek to find.

There are many things happening in our life as well.  Steve was to Vancouver for a week to graduate from the Arrow Leadership program.  This was a bittersweet time for me.  I was supposed to be there with him and instead I was home with the kids.  It seemed life forces were telling me my place was here, which I reluctantly followed.  Thankfully since that week Faith spiked a fever, the kids bus broke down and my kitchen sink backed up.  I would’ve never had the peace to enjoy myself while in Vancouver.

This week is March break for the kids.  I’m not sure March Break was created for families with special needs kids who crave routine!  However, so far today has been good, so I won’t complain.  The weekend, specifically Saturday, was a whole ‘nother story!   Logan decided that he was going to go for a little run, and of course chose to do that when I was home by myself.  So  when I realized he was gone, I called Steve to come home, ran to the neighbours to ask them to come over and then off I went down the road…I was petrified and embarrassed.   Thankfully a very kind man found him and held onto him.  Steve noticed them on the side of the road on his way home, and scooped Logan up into the car and came flying down the road and picked me up.  I fell apart at that point.  But we all made it through.  Our house is locked up, alarms armed and all eyes and ears perked and ready to go.  A very scary moment indeed!

In a couple of weeks I myself will be flying to Calgary and then onto Vancouver.  I’m looking forward to getting away, spending time with family and friends but also getting an afternoon of pampering.  I think this is just what the doctor ordered!  Oh and did I mention shopping?  Nothing like a little retail therapy to lift the soul   I’ll be looking forward to heading to church (the first time in many weeks if not months).  Overall I’m looking forward to my trip.  It will be difficult to leave the family behind but I know I will be a better mother having looked after myself.  It’s the best thing I can do for my family, for sure.

Here are the lyrics to follow along to:
If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I’ll feel nude when to where I’m destined I’m compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
‘Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He’s coming

This is the time of the year when many people make the resolution to lose weight, get more active and generally live a healthy life.  I am no different.  My New Year’s Resolution has been the same since the birth of my daughter in 2002 (yikes, I just realized that is 7 years!).  Lose weight.  Big surprise?  I think not.

I decided after Christmas, after all the holiday meals and goodies, after the scale read larger numbers, and after the pictures were developed that I need to get back on track.  I haven’t gained a lot of weight.  But the fact is, I was hoping to be in a different spot this year.  In a different BMI category.  I wanted to be healthier when I started this year.  But I can’t change the reality, nor can I stay in this state of disarray.  I need to find the motivation and move on.

The first week of March I will be flying to Vancouver with Steve to celebrate his graduation from Arrow.  I want to lose some weight, and be generally healthier than where I am right now.  I’m not going to give #’s, although I do have a ballpark in my head, I just want to feel better about myself.  I want to see myself for what I am, a beautiful creation.

So the other part of my resolution is this.  Every single day I am going to look in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.  I will find the part of myself that I find beautiful at that moment.  I need to focus more on positive than negative.  It’s easier for me to state the negative, to find the flaws.  But I will not allow myself to do that.  Only positive thoughts allowed.

Do you make New Years Resolutions?  Do you keep them?

Seems life is always a bit crazy in the Bedard household.  This year held many ups and downs for our family.  I have spent the last few days thinking back on the year and what I thought would happen and then to what actually happened.  Life always has a way of throwing curveballs, doesn’t it?  I went back to my old blog and read my entry of what I expected in 2008, and many things remain true of how I feel about starting into 2009.

I cannot believe that we now have 5 children.  While there is still much uncertainty regarding Faith and how long she will be here, I will always love her as my child.  Her smile warms my heart.  It was an emotional day, when we got the phonecall that she would be arriving at our house.  Our service dog Milo left our home the same day, just hours before.   My heart broke and overflowed on the same day, it was stretching to say the least.

2008 was exciting for us as far as the children are concerned.  They all are doing so well.  Logan is in Grade 2 this year, and is doing very well.  Abby is having a much better year in grade 1 than her SK year.  Her teacher is fantastic.  Justus started preschool this fall and he is loving it.  He has been a great big brother!  Emma is doing well.  She is as petite as ever, but she’s mighty in other ways.  She is fierce!  Don’t get between her and the food…it may not be a good thing for you!  Faith is such a wonderful addition.  She is at the stage where she gains new skills everyday.  I love to watch her figure things out.  She’s one smart cookie, she’ll learn quickly from her siblings!

Steve had a great year too.  They made his book “Unmasking the Pagan Christ” into a documentary that is to be aired close to Easter on CBC.  He flew to Vancouver twice for his Arrow experience, both times coming home with new insights and a renewed sense of calling.  The churches are doing well.  A highlight would be the 1 ton challenge for the foodbank that Meaford took on, which then expanded to most of the churches in our small town.  It is awesome to see how much our little church brings in!  I believe at last count we were 70% of the way to our goal in less than half the time we allowed ourselves.  I can’t wait to see what the numbers will be come next August!  He ended the year by applying to do a Doctor of Theology.  I’m so proud of him. 

The year did hold much change for me.  My word of the year has seemed to be “morph”  and it’s so true of what has happened this year.  I feel as though I have morphed many times into a better person.  I have been on an emotional journey.  But what I find most amazing in it all, is the sense of peace that I spoke about this day 1 year ago, is the same peace I feel today.  I had to deal with many things in my past, difficult things.  Things I needed to overcome and grow stronger as an individual to get through.  In November I made my final morph of 2008.  For many years I have sensed a calling to go into the ministry, but always had an excuse for not following through, my biggest that I had never completed high school.  I finally made the arrangements to write my high school equivalency exam (in just two weeks time now).  I have also been doing research into what some options would be for me as far as further education.  Once I have completed and passed my exams, I will be applying to university to do a Bachelor of Theology.  This was such a huge decision for me, but I could no longer push aside my calling.  I am not 100% sure what exactly I will be doing once I have graduated, but I believe that God will reveal that to me when the time is right.  I hope to major in Community Ministry.  

As we enter into 2009 I believe that God still has great things in store for us.  We have felt his blessing tremendously over the past year.  Steve and I will celebrate 9 years of marriage, and will be travelling to Vancouver for his final week at Arrow.  I get to spend some time with my brother while I’m there, which I am totally stoked about!  I have learned not to promise that we won’t get another kid as God always seems to bless us with another when I do!!!  At this point it’s safe to say, it isn’t in the plans!   

My prayer for you this year is that God will be with you, that He will grant you peace.  May you find comfort in Him at times of trouble and remember to thank Him when times are at their best.  All the best to you and yours.

Today I succumbed to the pressure and finally put up my Christmas tree.  Oh how times have changed.  In 2000, when Steve and I were first married our little 4′ Christmas tree was up on November 1st.  I think Steve may have thought he was going to go crazy.  He was a last minute.   Ok, not at all decorator when it came to Christmas, or any other holiday for that matter.  I always bugged him that he was a grinch (still is really)! 

I grew up in a home where Christmas decorations were all around.  My mothers tree was always a beautifully decorated, colour c0-ordinated one.  It took many hours to get all the decorations on.  Everything was always just so.  There were wreaths, garland and centerpieces.  The annual Christmas tablecloth.  She was as decked out as one could be.  I drank it in too.  I loved the sight of all these beautiful things that my mother so lovingly placed out for us.  I could sit by the tree for hours, in awe of each ornament, drinking in the holiday season. 

Our first little tree was colour co-ordinated too.  Silver, white and blue.  I had beautiful white lights, glass balls, ribbons, flowers.  It was as beautiful as I could possibly make it.  Afterall, I didn’t really inherit my mothers craftiness, just her love of it.  I had decorations in the bathroom, special towels and garland.  I had them in the kitchen.  Everywhere!  I LOVED Christmas.

Fast forward a few years and a few kids later.  My tree has dramatically changed.  It’s morphed into something new, something that I’m learning to appreciate more and more each year.  There are new decorations each year, not purchased at a fancy store, but crafted.  Not by my hands, rather by my kids.  There are handprint ornaments, manger scenes, wreaths.  All dated, all loved, all treasured.  My white lights have changed to coloured ones.  My glass balls replaced by ones more durable.  

My tree has transitioned from a tree that I grew up with, to my family tree.  A tree that I love more and more each year.  I look forward to the additions.  This year was no different.  My favourite comes by way of Justus.  It is a reindeer made out of puzzle pieces.  It’s been painted brown.  All these things expected.  What isn’t expected?  The eyes go down the face and the nose is on the antlers.  At the preschool, they allow the child to creatively do the craft.  Allowing them to interpret what’s expected.  So I know this is Justus.  It’s being 2.5 all wrapped up into one small little ornament.  It’s all him.

Today I celebrate that my family is making new traditions.  I still have my base of silver and blue ornaments, but it’s the other ones that mean so much more to me.  The decorations around the house have certainly pared way down too.  When you have 5 kids, 7 and under…well, it’s just not practical to have all those things out.  Too many hands, not enough eyes to watch everyone!

I pray that this Christmas season is a blessed one for you and your families.  I pray that you embrace the traditions of your past, but also make new ones.  Embrace the season for what it is, that of love.   For at this time, we as Christians celebrate the coming of Jesus in baby form.  Remembering that God sent Him into the world that we no longer would be bound by our sins, but to set us free.  God made the ultimate sacrifice, He gave up his son.  So this year as I cherish the ornaments from my kids, I’m also reminded that God gave up so much more for me.  May He bless you and keep you in the days and years to come.  Safe journeys as you travel to see loved ones.  Happiness and peace to those of you who need comforting.