depression

 hi, i’m amanda and i’m depressed.

depression is real, and it’s a struggle i face from day to day.  there have been seasons in my life that it rears it’s ugly head more and other less but for the last year or so, it’s had a real stronghold on my life.  i have been cycling through taking meds, thinking i’m fine and going off them, only to get more messed up in the end.  it is a vicious cycle.

i’m going to give a huge shout out to steve, he has more patience than i think he realizes.  i appreciate having a person like him by my side to ask me the tough questions, and to be honest with me when i ask the tough questions.  we have journeyed through this together, and i am thankful for that because I realize what a sacrifice that can be for a caregiver of someone who suffers from depression.  it would be much easier to just give up, but he perserveres to find me.

my doctor is convinced that my depression is bio-chemically induced.  my life could be easy, with no stress and i’d still have these issues and i agree with her.  i will likely have to be on meds the rest of my life, but for now, i need to make sure to continue to take my meds for the next 12 months.  she thinks it could cure me, but it’s not guaranteed. 

there is so much stigma surrounding depression and christianity.  somehow i’m less of a christian because it’s something i struggle with, that i’m not trusting god enough.  but where do you draw the line, would you refuse insulin if you were diabetic?  or if your foot was broken, would you fore-go a cast?  no.  but for some reason depression is different.

well, i am a depressed christian, who will be relying on science and the medical professionals to help me.  but i’m also a depressed christian who will be relying on god for strength, mercy and grace to get me through my days.  I intend to bring my faith in god and doctor together, trusting that the three of us together will get this worked out.

for those of you who suffer with depression, you’re not alone and there is no reason to be ashamed.  for those of you who stand along side of someone who suffers, thank you.

So much to say…where are my words??

Life in 2009 has been different.  Really different.  Different good, and different bad.  

My last post still rings in my mind…I’m totally changing.  There is an inner turmoil that comes with change though.  I’m reflective, contemplative, maybe even a little melancholy.  Yet I feel like I’m on the brink of something exciting, something worth working for.   I know it’s worth the feelings I have right now, but there are moments where I wish I could go back, stop this metamorphosis.  It would be so much more comfortable to go with the status quo.  But I totally believe that God’s not finished with me yet.

Spring for us always brings to life changes.  Four of our five children celebrate their birthday’s.  Which has been an incredible honor to watch them all grow.  Logan turned 8, Justus 3, Faith 1 and Emma celebrates her second birthday next week.  I feel God’s richest blessings through all our children.  I’m amazed at the complexity of their being, amazed at the differences and similarities. 

This spring also brought us heartache.  Early in April, Steve’s mom found out she had cancer and just three short weeks later she passed away.  It has been difficult, letting go.  Although I know she is in a better place where she’s no longer in pain and discomfort, she is able to dance and eat.  She is free from all the things that bound her here on earth.  My difficulty is selfish.  I never got to tell her one last time how much I loved her, how special she was, how thankful I am that she accepted me into her family.  I will miss her, her sarcasm, her laugh and even her stubbornness!

We also added to our family this Spring.  No, there are no more children under the Bedard roof, but there is another child in the fold.  We have talked a lot about sponsoring a child for a long time, and I went ahead and added an addition, in honor of Steve’s mom.  Flora from Tanzania is now loved and prayed for by each member of the Bedard family.  We’re really looking forward to getting to know her better, and writing to her…I hope each day that our package from Compassion will arrive so we can begin our relationship with her.  That she’ll know that a big family from Canada loves her and prays for her, that we will do all we can to see her thrive and overcome.

2009- Am I changing?

I seem to be having a quiet year of blogging so far.  It’s not because I don’t have a lot to write about.  It’s actually the contrary, I have so much to write about.  I feel the need though, to protect myself and where I’m at…to shield my thoughts and hide away in my heart and figure out what exactly is happening to me.

A few weeks ago I read a book that I believe will change the course of my beliefs.  No, I’m not giving up on Christianity, far from it.  What it has done though, is caused me to investigate and look deeper into the theology of God and the trinity.  To search in new ways, with new eyes. and grow deeper in my faith.  You see, this is a path I’ve been travelling for some time now, and this book gave words to the stirrings in my heart.  It is called “The dance of the dissident daughter” by Sue Monk Kidd.  I encourage you to read this book, realizing it may ruffle feathers, and it may be something you quickly dismiss.  But as I embark on my theology degree next fall, it is something that I will seek to find.

There are many things happening in our life as well.  Steve was to Vancouver for a week to graduate from the Arrow Leadership program.  This was a bittersweet time for me.  I was supposed to be there with him and instead I was home with the kids.  It seemed life forces were telling me my place was here, which I reluctantly followed.  Thankfully since that week Faith spiked a fever, the kids bus broke down and my kitchen sink backed up.  I would’ve never had the peace to enjoy myself while in Vancouver.

This week is March break for the kids.  I’m not sure March Break was created for families with special needs kids who crave routine!  However, so far today has been good, so I won’t complain.  The weekend, specifically Saturday, was a whole ‘nother story!   Logan decided that he was going to go for a little run, and of course chose to do that when I was home by myself.  So  when I realized he was gone, I called Steve to come home, ran to the neighbours to ask them to come over and then off I went down the road…I was petrified and embarrassed.   Thankfully a very kind man found him and held onto him.  Steve noticed them on the side of the road on his way home, and scooped Logan up into the car and came flying down the road and picked me up.  I fell apart at that point.  But we all made it through.  Our house is locked up, alarms armed and all eyes and ears perked and ready to go.  A very scary moment indeed!

In a couple of weeks I myself will be flying to Calgary and then onto Vancouver.  I’m looking forward to getting away, spending time with family and friends but also getting an afternoon of pampering.  I think this is just what the doctor ordered!  Oh and did I mention shopping?  Nothing like a little retail therapy to lift the soul   I’ll be looking forward to heading to church (the first time in many weeks if not months).  Overall I’m looking forward to my trip.  It will be difficult to leave the family behind but I know I will be a better mother having looked after myself.  It’s the best thing I can do for my family, for sure.

Brooke Fraser

Here are the lyrics to follow along to:
If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I’ll feel nude when to where I’m destined I’m compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
‘Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He’s coming

Another Year: The Same Resolution

This is the time of the year when many people make the resolution to lose weight, get more active and generally live a healthy life.  I am no different.  My New Year’s Resolution has been the same since the birth of my daughter in 2002 (yikes, I just realized that is 7 years!).  Lose weight.  Big surprise?  I think not.

I decided after Christmas, after all the holiday meals and goodies, after the scale read larger numbers, and after the pictures were developed that I need to get back on track.  I haven’t gained a lot of weight.  But the fact is, I was hoping to be in a different spot this year.  In a different BMI category.  I wanted to be healthier when I started this year.  But I can’t change the reality, nor can I stay in this state of disarray.  I need to find the motivation and move on.

The first week of March I will be flying to Vancouver with Steve to celebrate his graduation from Arrow.  I want to lose some weight, and be generally healthier than where I am right now.  I’m not going to give #’s, although I do have a ballpark in my head, I just want to feel better about myself.  I want to see myself for what I am, a beautiful creation.

So the other part of my resolution is this.  Every single day I am going to look in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.  I will find the part of myself that I find beautiful at that moment.  I need to focus more on positive than negative.  It’s easier for me to state the negative, to find the flaws.  But I will not allow myself to do that.  Only positive thoughts allowed.

Do you make New Years Resolutions?  Do you keep them?

2008 Reflections

Seems life is always a bit crazy in the Bedard household.  This year held many ups and downs for our family.  I have spent the last few days thinking back on the year and what I thought would happen and then to what actually happened.  Life always has a way of throwing curveballs, doesn’t it?  I went back to my old blog and read my entry of what I expected in 2008, and many things remain true of how I feel about starting into 2009.

I cannot believe that we now have 5 children.  While there is still much uncertainty regarding Faith and how long she will be here, I will always love her as my child.  Her smile warms my heart.  It was an emotional day, when we got the phonecall that she would be arriving at our house.  Our service dog Milo left our home the same day, just hours before.   My heart broke and overflowed on the same day, it was stretching to say the least.

2008 was exciting for us as far as the children are concerned.  They all are doing so well.  Logan is in Grade 2 this year, and is doing very well.  Abby is having a much better year in grade 1 than her SK year.  Her teacher is fantastic.  Justus started preschool this fall and he is loving it.  He has been a great big brother!  Emma is doing well.  She is as petite as ever, but she’s mighty in other ways.  She is fierce!  Don’t get between her and the food…it may not be a good thing for you!  Faith is such a wonderful addition.  She is at the stage where she gains new skills everyday.  I love to watch her figure things out.  She’s one smart cookie, she’ll learn quickly from her siblings!

Steve had a great year too.  They made his book “Unmasking the Pagan Christ” into a documentary that is to be aired close to Easter on CBC.  He flew to Vancouver twice for his Arrow experience, both times coming home with new insights and a renewed sense of calling.  The churches are doing well.  A highlight would be the 1 ton challenge for the foodbank that Meaford took on, which then expanded to most of the churches in our small town.  It is awesome to see how much our little church brings in!  I believe at last count we were 70% of the way to our goal in less than half the time we allowed ourselves.  I can’t wait to see what the numbers will be come next August!  He ended the year by applying to do a Doctor of Theology.  I’m so proud of him. 

The year did hold much change for me.  My word of the year has seemed to be “morph”  and it’s so true of what has happened this year.  I feel as though I have morphed many times into a better person.  I have been on an emotional journey.  But what I find most amazing in it all, is the sense of peace that I spoke about this day 1 year ago, is the same peace I feel today.  I had to deal with many things in my past, difficult things.  Things I needed to overcome and grow stronger as an individual to get through.  In November I made my final morph of 2008.  For many years I have sensed a calling to go into the ministry, but always had an excuse for not following through, my biggest that I had never completed high school.  I finally made the arrangements to write my high school equivalency exam (in just two weeks time now).  I have also been doing research into what some options would be for me as far as further education.  Once I have completed and passed my exams, I will be applying to university to do a Bachelor of Theology.  This was such a huge decision for me, but I could no longer push aside my calling.  I am not 100% sure what exactly I will be doing once I have graduated, but I believe that God will reveal that to me when the time is right.  I hope to major in Community Ministry.  

As we enter into 2009 I believe that God still has great things in store for us.  We have felt his blessing tremendously over the past year.  Steve and I will celebrate 9 years of marriage, and will be travelling to Vancouver for his final week at Arrow.  I get to spend some time with my brother while I’m there, which I am totally stoked about!  I have learned not to promise that we won’t get another kid as God always seems to bless us with another when I do!!!  At this point it’s safe to say, it isn’t in the plans!   

My prayer for you this year is that God will be with you, that He will grant you peace.  May you find comfort in Him at times of trouble and remember to thank Him when times are at their best.  All the best to you and yours.

O Christmas Tree

Today I succumbed to the pressure and finally put up my Christmas tree.  Oh how times have changed.  In 2000, when Steve and I were first married our little 4′ Christmas tree was up on November 1st.  I think Steve may have thought he was going to go crazy.  He was a last minute.   Ok, not at all decorator when it came to Christmas, or any other holiday for that matter.  I always bugged him that he was a grinch (still is really)! 

I grew up in a home where Christmas decorations were all around.  My mothers tree was always a beautifully decorated, colour c0-ordinated one.  It took many hours to get all the decorations on.  Everything was always just so.  There were wreaths, garland and centerpieces.  The annual Christmas tablecloth.  She was as decked out as one could be.  I drank it in too.  I loved the sight of all these beautiful things that my mother so lovingly placed out for us.  I could sit by the tree for hours, in awe of each ornament, drinking in the holiday season. 

Our first little tree was colour co-ordinated too.  Silver, white and blue.  I had beautiful white lights, glass balls, ribbons, flowers.  It was as beautiful as I could possibly make it.  Afterall, I didn’t really inherit my mothers craftiness, just her love of it.  I had decorations in the bathroom, special towels and garland.  I had them in the kitchen.  Everywhere!  I LOVED Christmas.

Fast forward a few years and a few kids later.  My tree has dramatically changed.  It’s morphed into something new, something that I’m learning to appreciate more and more each year.  There are new decorations each year, not purchased at a fancy store, but crafted.  Not by my hands, rather by my kids.  There are handprint ornaments, manger scenes, wreaths.  All dated, all loved, all treasured.  My white lights have changed to coloured ones.  My glass balls replaced by ones more durable.  

My tree has transitioned from a tree that I grew up with, to my family tree.  A tree that I love more and more each year.  I look forward to the additions.  This year was no different.  My favourite comes by way of Justus.  It is a reindeer made out of puzzle pieces.  It’s been painted brown.  All these things expected.  What isn’t expected?  The eyes go down the face and the nose is on the antlers.  At the preschool, they allow the child to creatively do the craft.  Allowing them to interpret what’s expected.  So I know this is Justus.  It’s being 2.5 all wrapped up into one small little ornament.  It’s all him.

Today I celebrate that my family is making new traditions.  I still have my base of silver and blue ornaments, but it’s the other ones that mean so much more to me.  The decorations around the house have certainly pared way down too.  When you have 5 kids, 7 and under…well, it’s just not practical to have all those things out.  Too many hands, not enough eyes to watch everyone!

I pray that this Christmas season is a blessed one for you and your families.  I pray that you embrace the traditions of your past, but also make new ones.  Embrace the season for what it is, that of love.   For at this time, we as Christians celebrate the coming of Jesus in baby form.  Remembering that God sent Him into the world that we no longer would be bound by our sins, but to set us free.  God made the ultimate sacrifice, He gave up his son.  So this year as I cherish the ornaments from my kids, I’m also reminded that God gave up so much more for me.  May He bless you and keep you in the days and years to come.  Safe journeys as you travel to see loved ones.  Happiness and peace to those of you who need comforting.

Typical Abby

The past couple of days have been extremely emotional and difficult.  Thursday there was a major shift in Abby’s schedule at school.  Then kaboom…her world is totally upside down which often translates into OUR world turning upside down. 

I’m not often overly open with what goes on in our family, and how much autism affects our life.  Its not really that I’m embarrassed, rather I know it’s difficult for people to know what to say when something is shared.  I hate being in that position, so I don’t want others to be in that position either.  All that said, I am going to give you a glimpse into my last couple of days. 

On Friday morning, I knew I was up for a challenge.  Every so often Abby decides that she’s not going to wear clothing.  Yes, absolutely nothing.  She has a lot of sensory issues, which often includes clothing and things that touch her skin. When we finally got her dressed, I thought, wrongfully so, that she would then be fine.  As we were getting her ready for school, she refused socks, and then any winter clothing.  That’s not going to fly when there is 2.5 feet of snow outside! 

After many tears, from both her and I, I finally gave in.  Only now, not only was she not interested in outerwear, she no longer wanted her clothing on.  Over the years of dealing with our children, I know when I need to pick my battles.  That morning, for some reason, that knowledge alluded me for a long while.  I battled with her for over an hour, trying to reason with her to get her clothing on…then I had a brainwave…she doesn’t really have to have clothing on…wait, yes she did…she’s not toilet trained yet (a very common trait in children with autism) and often times believes herself to be picasso, ugh.  So, that moment I decided…fine…if she doesn’t want clothing, then we’re going to start toilet training.  If she’s not at school, she at least needs to work.

So it’s been almost 2 days now.  With only 1 accident per day.  I’m very proud of her.  I’m also totally shocked.  Those of you who know me well, know that I usually have a plan.  I plan for everything.  Toilet training Abby, so close to Christmas, wasn’t one of them.  All the company, all the shifts in routine, it just doesn’t work!  I never thought she’d be successful (horrible mom, I know!)  Well, Abby is proving me wrong.  I’m thankful for it too. 

Today she’s decided clothing is alright, and I think she likes the underwear more than the diaper.  But it’s still a bit of a challenge.  But then, m0st things in life are a challenge and the most rewarding.   So there’s a look into my days with Abby.  Please pray that Monday morning she actually chooses to wear clothing.  Pray also for her continued success.

Happy Birthday Hon!

Dear Steve,

Happy Birthday.  May God bless you today and in this coming year.  I know I’ve razzed you the last few days about you being 40, but honestly, I don’t care and never have.  I’m very blessed to have such an amazing man by my side, loving me, and our kids.  You are an example of what Christ is all about, and humble about it.  Thank you for being you, and never compromising that to gain status. 

I love you.  Today, more than yesterday and even more tomorrow.  I’m proud to stand by your side and to grow old with you, something of which neither of us are at this point in our lives (even if we both have white hair!)  Looking forward to the weekend and unplugging from life to spend time with you.

National Service Dogs

Many of you know that five years ago we started the process to receive a service dog for Logan.  We decided to go with a local organization based in the kitchener/waterloo region.  National Service Dogs has gone over and above any of our expectations. 

In January of 2007, we recieved a call from Chris Fowler, informing us that our name had come to the top of the waiting list and that in March, we would be invited to team training and receive our dog, a beautiful chocolate lab named Milo.  A dog that we fell instantly in love with. 

Over the course of the next year and a half we would grow and bond with our dog and our new family, that is NSD.  Our experiences weren’t exactly what we had hoped for, but NSD stepped up to the plate and helped us through our difficulties and ultimately made the decision to release milo from the program.  So once again we were placed on a waiting list for a dog.  I just want to say that ours is an exception to the rule, rather than the norm.  In October of this year NSD became only the 2nd Service Dog organization in Canada to become accredited through Assistance Dogs International.  They are highly reputuable and I would absolutely do it over again, even with our disappointing outcome.

This morning I received an update from Chris Fowler, co-founder of NSD, here is an excerpt from his letter:

In 2006 NSD received an annuity from the Banyan Tree Foundation in the amount of $190 000.00 every year for 25 years.  It was because of this annuity that NSD was able to jump ahead and begin the process of reaching our goal of placing 40 new Service Dogs per year much quicker then we had hoped for.  This would have meant that we may have been able to cut our waiting list from 3 to 3.5 years down to 1.5 to 2 years.  Our program actually started with a waiting list in 1996 and we have not been able to “catch up” to date.  NSD received our first 2 payments in 2006 and 2007 towards this annuity without a problem. In 2008 however, we were informed that Revenue Canada has revoked the charitable status of the Banyan Tree Foundation and we would not receive any further funding from this source.  Keeping in mind that to place a Service Dog is about a 2.5 year process, we had started planning on minimizing the waiting list when we received our first payment of $190 000.00 and increased the number of staff, breeding dogs and puppies in our programs.

 At the beginning of November we started to feel the financial hardship and we were forced to lay off 7 staff members of NSD, this was an extremely difficult decision. From 1996, NSD has always been like a second family to Heather and I and to all of our staff. I am sure that you have heard us during your team training “welcome to the NSD family”.  The loss of this annuity will set NSD back at least three years and possibly longer.  All of the staff at NSD are so passionate about the jobs that they are doing and are with NSD because of the reward and NOT the paycheck that they receive.

As you can see, this is a difficult time for them.  I wanted to take the opportunity to ask you to pray for the NSD organization, for Heather and Chris.  I also want to ask you to make a donation to their organization now.  Without them, many families would be in a difficult position.  Having a service dog provides a child with autism a sense of independence and belonging, it provides comfort and ultimately it provides safety. 

Here are a couple of examples of how having a service dog helped our family.

During one of our walks with Logan in town, Logan decided that he was going to dart out into the road.  Thankfully at that point we had Logan and Milo tethered together.  Without Milo, Logan probably would’ve been hit by a car as we were walking down the main street which is a highway.  

Abby had to get some blood work done, and after one brutal experience she was terrified to even go into the hospital.  But we had milo with us, and she cuddled up to Milo lying there on the floor and suddenly what could’ve been a very difficult and challenging situation, Abby was able to connect with Milo and feel comforted by his presence.

I do hope that you would consider partnering with NSD to provide families like ours the opportunity to have a service dog in their lives, changing the life of a child with autism forever.