Giving Up

This is the Lenten season in the church.  As a pentecostal kid, I grew up not practising the Lent season but a few years ago Steve and I decided to observe the season and have been ever since.  Some years are better than others.  

This year Facebook got the boot out of my life.  I have realized just how much time Facebook stole of my life.  I spend more time with my family and less time with a computer in front of me.  I talk to friends instead of relying only on Facebook messages.  Most importantly, I am able to see God’s hand in my life.  I’m not distracted by posts, friends status’ or the random creeping of other people’s Facebook pages….don’t get all high and mighty I know you do it too!!!

I’m believing this Lenten season that God’s presence will be more and more visible in our lives. That we will be on the other side of this limited employment time in our lives.  That I will be more healthy and without pain.  

I have seen many cool things over the past few weeks that I wouldn’t have noticed simply because I was distracted by things in my life.  I pray that once this lent season is over that I will stay slowed down so that I will continue to see God’s hand in our lives and not let the distractions over run that again.

 

 

Solitude and Sacred Places

 

This past Sunday the pastor of the church I attend spoke about disciplines that will make us better people, better christians.  The first instalment of the series was on “Solitude” and the importance of getting alone with God without any distractions.  As I listened to him very passionately share his message, I realized that was something I was missing here in Cambridge, my solitude and scared place with God.  

Where we lived in Meaford there was this quiet little park across the street from us.  It was a pretty remote park and it’s only play equipment was a swing set.  And the beach.  It was my spot.  When I needed to get away from life, from the craziness of our family life and my emotional ups and downs, I often retreated to the park. I reunited myself with my inner child while I flew through the air on the swing.  The seats were high enough off the ground that I never worried about hitting the ground, I could pump my legs freely and close my eyes and connect with God.  

There was something about the freedom of the swing that put everything out of my mind.  The wind would clear my head in no time.  I found that I was left quieted and would reflect on my life as God spoke very clearly to me.  It was a sacred time and I treated as that, no distractions.  It was me and God.  

As I listened to my pastor this Sunday I realized it was important for me to find my sacred spot here in Cambridge.  A place in nature, away from the distraction of busy roads, busy family, busy minds where I can connect with my inner self and allow God to meet me where I am.  I need to be intentional in this and my spot to reconnect with my creator.

Thankful

 

 

Today I am thankful.  It’s the random things in life that make me most aware of God’s provision in my life, today is a day full of that randomness and blessing.

I had a job interview today for a great company, Naturally Clean, a residential cleaning company that uses only natural and organic materials to clean people’s homes.  As I met with her, I was left feeling excited about a new opportunity.  

Truth be told, it makes me feel like a bit of a hypocrite because my house is not tidy, it’s clean but certainly not tidy.  I often say I feel like Mr. Incredible from the movie “The Incredibles”…”I just cleaned up this mess, can’t you keep it clean for 5 minutes?!”.  But I love a clean and tidy house.  When we lived in Meaford and our kids were younger, we had someone in to clean our house and I remember what a great feel it was to come home to the fresh clean smell and look of our home.  I love that I get to provide that for someone else.

Then later on Justus and I headed out to Walmart.  He needed his glasses fixed and we decided we’d grab a pizza for supper.  (Please remind me to NEVER go to Walmart at 4 PM on a Saturday.)  Thankfully the glasses were fixed in no time and we were headed off to grab the pizza.  Justus took the one he wanted off the shelf and we were off to wait in line, for a very long time, it was at least 20 minutes that we stood there and waited.  Can I just say it’s really unfair to kids (and parents) to have candy in the checkout aisles? I listened to Justus ask and ask for candy and tried best to explain that we just didn’t have the money for that this week.  I’m not against buying him something when he’s been as good as he had been at the store, but the truth is we don’t have the extra cash for much these days.  

The woman in front of us must’ve heard our conversations because as she was checking out she had taken a kinder surprise egg off the shelf and paid for it.  As she was leaving she turned around and handed it to Justus and commended him for being such a great well-behaved boy.  Ya I know, it’s a dollar but I got choked up none the less.  She showed such kindness and Justus knew it, she touched his soul.  He even shared his egg with the family and didn’t take it all for himself.  

The photo above is of my “Jar of Blessing”.  I saw the idea posted on Facebook from Pinterest.  I knew it was something I had to do.  I get so focused on what I think God isn’t doing for us that I lose sight of the “little” things and not so little things that God provides.  This jar has helped me focus and be more aware of the provisions in our life, to be thankful for all that has been provided for us.  

Here we are 5 days into the year and already my jar has a lot of papers inside, enough that I really don’t think that there will be enough room for the 360 days left in the year.  I’m already excited to look through them all next New Year’s Eve.  I can’t imagine how overwhelming and inspiring it will be.  I’m thinking of compiling them into some sort of project, whether it’s writing or some other sort of art type project but I know that I will want to acknowledge this year in some way.

Pinching Pennies

I have been thinking on this a lot lately, to say that things have been tight financially around here would be a fair assumption.  ”Pinching pennies” is to be frugal with your money, to keep a tighter budget, to be careful with where your money goes.  But pinching is difficult, it hurts, it can take effort to hold on to the pennies. Pinch can be used in nautical terms to slow down a boat by either raising all the sails or dragging an oar or used as slang meaning to steal.

These days I’m pinching pennies, life circumstances have brought us to the place we are.  I had planned for this and life got in the way, life stole away my pennies, my nest egg, my comfort bubble.  Now we are in this unknown territory and we just got dropped off, I’m still learning my way.

Our spending was out of control, when I look back over our spending habits I shudder because I realize only now how far ahead we’d be if I’d just been more frugal then…but life pinched us, it slowed us down, it’s slowed our money down.  And it’s difficult to get used to the waters in which we find ourselves right now.

But God is faithful.  Slowing down has humbled my pride.  Slowing down has allowed me to see how much God has worked together for good.  I find myself strangely at peace through it all, a deep peace knowing God will take care of us.  Even though right now it seems impossible, I know God will provide for us in ways we do not see.

Someone reminded me lately that perhaps I just needed to learn how to trust and rely God more, then our pastor spoke one Sunday about importance vs urgency and the way we live our life and realized perhaps I do have a lesson to learn.

“The greatest danger is allowing the urgent things to crowd out the important things.” Charles Hummel- The Tyranny of the Urgent

I’ve realized that I’ve allowed all the urgent things in my life control in how I’ve spent my money.  I’ve realized just how much my pride had crept up and choked my life.  By focusing on the urgent things, I’ve forgotten to allow God into my life to be my provider, I’d allowed myself to think that I was ultimately in control. But focusing on the urgent I forgot what was most important, God.

So now I wait and see where these waters are flowing, to see which way I will go.  I’m trusting and relying on the important things in life, pinching pennies, letting go and letting God.

2013

New Years Day; a fresh year ahead of us with endless possibilities.  As a family we’ve entered the year in flux.  We’ve entered the year relying more on God than we ever have before in terms of meeting our immediate needs.  It’s is both humbling and difficult and yet very freeing as well.  As we rely more on God, our faith grows deeper every day, my faith grows deeper.  It’s not a particularly easy place to be and yet I’m at peace knowing that our lives are so much more meaningful and blessed when we allow God to direct us.

We come into 2013 feeling sure of things that we hope for.  As we seek God’s direction in our lives, we’re excited for the prospects and the things that we feel God is calling us to.  For Steve, it’s the start of “Hope’s Reason”, a ministry that is in its infancy stage.  For me, it may be another mission trip.  Steve will continue to work towards his doctorate, I hope to continue my studies beginning again in September.  It is a time to get to know each other again, to minister together again in some capacity, to allow our lives to shine the love of God to those around us.

Of course today becomes a day of resolutions and changes that we hope to aspire to for the new year.  I usually fail at those resolutions by noon on Jan 1st.  I’ve resolved to not make a resolution.  Instead I will continue on with my life, growing and changing into the woman God has created me to be.  I will strive to be a good steward with the blessings that God has given me: my life (physical, emotional and spiritual), my husband, my children, our finances, our home; and I will count my blessings and name them one by one.

My prayer is that God will bless your lives richly and that the Love of God will surround you and sustain you both in times of need and of abundance.

Hope’s Reason Ministries

Hey Everyone,

There is an important announcement over at Hope’s Reason.  It’s a new adventure that Steve and I feel is an important part of our life and ministry.  Check it out!!!

Thanks!!!

 

Fears of the Unknown

My shower routine was the same but not the outcome.  A lump.  My heart stopped.  It can’t be, I’m so young.  Just 31.  I shouldn’t find a lump and yet I know anyone can, from young to old, these scares spare few and far between.  Everyone has a story; I’m left wondering where mine will go next. 

I’ve been on my own for 3 weeks with 4 kids and I’m at my wits end emotionally.  This is the worst timing; I have nobody to watch my kids.  Off we go, 3 small children in tow, to the walk in clinic, on the way explaining to the kids that mommy has a sore and needs the doctor to look at it: meaning the doctor will see mommy without a shirt on and will touch mommy.  “I’ll be ok.” I promise them.

My mammogram and ultrasound are soon to follow, less than a week later.  I’m very thankful that I won’t be alone, my husband has returned from a month away.  Together we go to the clinic: he’s holding my hand, whispering prayers for this lump to be nothing.  We’ve arrived early, so I sit quietly, wondering so many things and yet nothing really at all.  My mind is full and yet I’m unable to focus a single thought.

I walk into the mammogram room, looking at the ominous machine that is the lament of so many women.  The technician asks many questions: When was your first period? Are you on birth control? Is there any family history of breast cancer?  Previous surgeries? I know I’m at some higher risk because I got my period early and that I’m on birth control and have been for awhile now but I keep my voice even, trying to forget these facts.

Finally my breasts are lifted onto the machine and pressed, flattened out.  It’s uncomfortable for sure but I more felt for women with small breasts because that is likely to be far more uncomfortable, at least I have room to stretch!  Sitting in the chair, I’m watching the technician look at my mammogram, she leans in close to one of the films but ultimately she lets me go, I’m now off for my ultrasound.

The ultrasound is painless.  There’s not a lot of chatter and I’m ok with that.  The same questions are asked of me that the other technician asked; I was expecting them, having recited these answers twice already first to the doctor at the clinic and then to the mammogram technician, the answers come without thinking.  She’s finishing up and tells me that I’m free to go.  These women could be amazing poker players, their faces show no sign or hint of what they have or haven’t seen.

Now I am waiting.  The waiting is what frightens me the most.  I’m hanging in this balance of “am I sick or am I healthy?”  I’m not sure I’m afraid of it being cancer, rather how my life would be affected if it were cancer.  Will I be able to see my kids graduate, get married, will I ever be a grandmother?  Will I grow old with the love of my life? I’m fine to lose my hair or even a breast but I don’t want my children or husband robbed of a future together.

This isn’t something I choose to talk about much.  I have a few friends who know some of my inner thoughts.  Of course we’re all hoping and praying that this isn’t cancer but my pessimism also brings me to the thought that “nothing else has been spared in our life, why would this be any different?”  There is something strangely comforting in those thoughts, perhaps because we’ve overcome so much, what is one more thing?   I’d rather it be myself than one of the kids, truthfully though I don’t want it to be any of us. 

I have a number of days left to wait, 10 to be precise.  I’m hoping to hear sooner but have resolved myself to accept the fact that I will have to wait until days before my 32^nd birthday to get either the all clear or we need more photos or a biopsy.  One’s mind can grow quite restless in times like these.  Praying for the peace that only God can give and would appreciate your good thoughts and prayers as well.

Halos for Halo!

Today my church The Life Centre put on a kids carnival for our community here in the Hespeler part of Cambridge.  We enjoyed the carnival immensely and that isn’t something that I could say without the help of our black furry four legged family member, Halo, a specially trained service dog to assist children with autism.

We are blessed to have Halo in our lives, it has made a world of difference in Logan’s life. Without Halo, we would be unable to enjoy most activities that other families take for granted like going to the movies, attending a carnival like we did today or even a task as simple as a quick trip to the grocery store. Logan would be highly stressed, very agitated and we’d be chasing him all over the place.

Logan is an escape artist, a quick one at that.  He is ever elusive, just when you think you can trust him for a second, poof, he’s gone.  It is heart-stopping when he does run away because of all the stories you hear in the news about children with autism running off and getting lost.  That is my worst fear, which has unfortunately come to pass a few times in the past few years, although thankfully it always has a happy ending, the same is not true for many families.

I truly believe that Halo is appropriately named because he has saved Logan so many times now I have lost count. I think there will be a special halo in heaven for service dogs like Halo.

Touching Hearts, Touching Lives

There are days when you are given a gift and your life will really never be the same again.  We’ve had many moments like that in our life together.  Today we were given two gifts and both touched my heart so deeply that I will never be the same again.

I am part of an amazing group of women who meet on Tuesday mornings for chatting, studying the bible and mostly a whole lot of laughter.  It’s a place where each woman is free to be who she is, however God created her to be. No judgements, just come as you are.  Our group leader sent me an email last week and asked if she could make our daughter Abby a weighted blanket.  She has never met Abby; I’ve never really spoken at length of Abby’s needs and how her sensory needs are so incredibly high.  I’ve often wondered about having someone make a weighted blanket for Abby, to see if it would help her sleeping habits but have never mentioned this to anyone.

This morning I arrived to our group and our leader gave me the most amazing weighted blanket: it is pink with dragonflies, each pocket perfectly measured out to make the blanket of equal proportions.  There was so much love and thought poured into that blanket; all for my daughter who she has never met.  I will never be the same again.  The amazing generosity of her talents, love, and thoughtfulness makes my heart so fully alive and so thankful that people still follow their hearts and the leading that God has put on their hearts.

After I arrived home I sat down to my computer and opened my email inbox.  There was a message for me from the leader of the other women’s group I attend on Thursday.  Again, an amazing group of women who have accepted me into their midst and have loved on me.  Coffee, chatting and laughing are all part of the mornings in addition to the time of prayer where each of our concerns are brought to God.

I started attending The Life Centre when we moved to Cambridge and have really enjoyed my time there.  With Steve’s schedule though, it does make it increasingly difficult to get to church with the 4 kids and specifically getting Logan to church.  I had voiced my feelings to the leader and told her how much I wished I could attend but I’ve been struggling with Logan and how to integrate him.  And in the email she told me of a woman at church who was willing to spend time 1:1 with Logan at church (or at home if that worked out better) and that she herself would also volunteer to be with him.

I cannot begin to explain how much my heart is touched by these amazing gifts of generosity from people who just a few short months ago were strangers to me and to whom my children are still mostly unknown to them.   As a parent of children with special needs, the sad truth for us is that whether due to fear or indifference or ignorance, people often don’t go out of their way to touch the lives of my children or for my family.  People have been afraid to reach out, fearing that they will interrupt our lives somehow or believing that we are just too busy for them…I’ve heard many reasons and ones that I can fully understand but the truth is that life with special needs if often very lonely and caregivers are craving relationships with people who will love and accept them and their limitations.  That we need people in our lives who will understand and forgive the dark circles under our eyes, the clothes that may be stained from the mornings breakfast and the crazy hair that comes when you put yourself last and everyone else’s needs above your own.

I extend my sincere thanks and gratitude to these church families in which I find myself. I can honestly say that I will never be the same again.  My heart is moved and my life is touched by simple yet profound acts of generosity.  I can only hope that one day I will be given the chance to pay it forward; to extend grace, love and thoughtfulness to another family who may feel lonely, at their wits end and in need of some serious TLC. The irony is not lost on me that I have found a church home in which I will always find myself within TLC.

Then there were 2- Autism Awareness Month

When Logan was diagnosed with Autism, our daughter Abby was 9 months old.  She was a beautiful baby girl who had survived so much in her short life.  She had cysts on her brain in as a fetus, I was in a terrible car accident while I was seven months pregnant and then she had some oxygen issues during delivery.  

She was a fussy baby, who could burp up milk clear across the room *literally!* But we were focused a lot on Logan in those months prior to his diagnosis, it was purely survival for us.  We missed a lot of things with her looking back but what choice did we have?  You naturally focus on things that cause the most distraction in your life.

At our diagnosis meeting for Logan, we sat quietly as the doctor gave us the news.  We were then offered a spot in a research project designed to identify early markers in children with autism and because siblings have a higher risk of a diagnosis, they really wanted Abby in this study.  We sat there with our baby girl on our lap, agreeing readily for her to be a part of it, never once thinking that she would one of those helpful children and be diagnosed with autism herself just 9 months later.  

As the months went on and she approached her first birthday, the veil lifted from our eyes.  We sat down in the evening after we celebrated her first birthday and made what we call “the list”.  All the things that we saw as great things and our list of concerns.  The list of concerns grew and we knew what we had to do.  We were set to meet with the research team in just a few weeks, knowing  what was coming.  At 12 months we were given a ‘preliminary’ diagnosis and at 18 months the gauntlet came down again…autism.

Life was a whirlwind.  They say no two children with autism are the same and it’s true.  Logan and Abby were opposites.  He was aloof in his own world while Abby was miserable in ours.  He was a dimmer switch coming in and out of behaviours, Abby a light switch turning on and off abruptly.  Logan was easy going and Abby was a firecracker.

Nobody can prepare you for this, getting a diagnosis of autism for your two children less than a year apart.  It sucks.  There’s no manual, there’s no rules, there’s no nothing…you’re in hook, line and sinker.  The next few years proved to be a very steep learning curve and honestly, it continues to be a steep climb.  Life is complicated, full of advocacy in school and fighting with the government for funding, making sure your child is accepted and loved in every circumstance and situation.  

You become a stronger person in the process though, parenting skills are honed as you become like a therapist, providing intervention the best you can.  There are moments when you think life can’t get any more difficult but then something new pops up and you’re forced to research again and again.  The cycle continues with each stage of development. At the end of the day it’s worth it because you have two children who are some of the most pure people you will ever meet, what you see is what you get. There are no lies, no facades, no false pretences, just them and all they were created to be.